Ode to the Electric Sewer...more from the book

This is a great picture of an old clock at Grand Central Station. Trains are a part of life in the city - so much of a city dweller's life is spent commuting and putting up with all the aggravation that goes with it. But, you can find beauty in the strangest, dirtiest things in train stations- like this clock, which we could barely see. We pointed the camera and the flash did the rest. The other picture is a close-up of the warning strip on the platform edge. The "eyeballs" on it have always fascinated me. It's like they dare you to stay away!

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Racing and running
Argh! My Metro card is stuck!
I missed the train – fuck!

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Stuck behind track work.
Re-routed, people confused.
Fucking MTA!

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Ode to the Electric Sewer


Tunneling people,
gleaming metal snakes in tubes,
rumbling underground.

The pushing people,
anxious to get in, ride as
sardines in a can.

No personal space,
many elbows in your face,
far below traffic.

Into black darkness,
following the secret paths
lined with graffiti.

With speed, we emerge -
from one noise to another,
platform of garbage.

We pick our way up
through hawkers, performers, to
the city surface.

As a kid, it was
magic, but now just a ride.
Fast, cramped, and noisy.

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Date Night

Is there anything worse than dating?! That giddy, awkward first date can sometimes turn into a fiasco. They say all the freaks come out at night here in Manhattan, and I have to agree (although there are plenty of strange things to be seen during the day). The weirdest first dates I've had were in New York City.

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When someone offers
you a breath mint, there’s a
good reason for it.

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A fortune spent on
wardrobe, for naught! because your
hair is frizzy gross!

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"Bringing sexy back,"
my blind date thinks he’s so hot.
Oh, hellz no, you’re not!

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The weirdest first date I had was with a guy who actually told me on our first date that if I, and I'm quoting, "wanted him to dress up like Stalin in the bedroom, he was all for that, or any other kinky thing I was in to." Ewwwww.....yeah, that's too much information. Suffice it to say, we did not have a second date. These next ones are "inspired" by him and crazy first dates of my friends.

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Blind date small talk turns
bad quickly when he asks you
if you "like it rough."

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He likes toe sucking -
it's too much information!
When will the night end?

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She has nineteen kids -
it's too much information!
When will the night end?

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He wears pantyhose -
it's too much information!
When will the night end?

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She uses sex toys -
it's too much information!
When will the night end?

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Now you write one! All you need is 5 syllables to fill in the first line. Think of your worst dating experience - first dates are always ripe for material. Then go to my Zazzle store and make it into a greeting card! Send it to your single friend who can surely relate. I hope you'll post it in my comments section first! Here's your format:

(your line here)
it's too much information!
when will the night end?

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Have a very Happy Memorial Day weekend! and if you're single, I hope you enjoy some nice dates...ones without too much information...

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Stupid Big Toe Nail!

I have decided to disclose my lifelong, eternal struggle - one that is very embarrassing and has turned into an epic battle royale that very nearly consumes my life. Yes, I'm talking about...my stupid big toe nail! AHRRRGGG! So many socks have died... thin ones, thick ones, cheap ones, expensive ones... shot down in the prime of their life... sacrificed so young... if they only had some small chance of hope! Then I might not have a sock drawer filled with unmatched "onsies."

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Stupid big toe nail!
Always poking holes in socks!
Why can’t you be tamed?

Happy Bunny socks
not so funny anymore.
Bunny laughs at me.

Big toe laughs at me!
I trim and file daily, but -
You will not submit.

Another ruined,
And the sock budget goes up.
The cost annoys me!

And I’m embarrassed,
anxious of removing shoes
to find a surprise.

Stupid big toe nail!
I’ll have the last laugh when the
Doctor pulls you out!

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And lest you think I'm joking with these haikus, I have seriously considered having my big toe nails removed, because I'm tired of all the brand new socks I have - with holes - from my stupid big toe nail! In the meantime, I think I found a store just for people like me:

www.littlemissmatched.com

And if you live in the NYC area, you can get a free "triplet" pair of socks. Just go to:

www.lostmysock.com

Hurry! I think this is good for Memorial Day weekend only.

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Stanky Breff

*
when someone offers
you a breath mint, there’s a
good reason for it.

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Fire Safety

If you work in a New York City office, you probably know who your fire warden and deputy fire warden are, along with the male and female searchers. Such is our life after 9/11. I remember as kid that everyone loved having a fire drill! We got to go outside! A brief respite from school! You would think that as adults, we would welcome this break in our daily routine. I'm always amazed by how people who are sick of their jobs are still annoyed by having to participate in the fire drill. I often wonder what kind of chaos would ensue if there really was a fire in my office building. As an acting deputy fire warden, I'll know how to get out. Will I help others or save myself? I think it will depend on my mood when it happens. >:)

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Fire alarm testing -
No one wants to leave their desk
and I am warden.

“Must participate!”
I push them and they hate me
but it’s not my fault!

If there is a fire,
I’ll be the first to escape.
Oh, I pray for it!

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HAM! ...more from the book

Aside from candy, the only other awesome thing about Easter is HAM! and yams! and green bean casserole! Oh yeah, and celebrating how Jesus rose from dead. That's pretty cool too....

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Ham – there is nothing
more perfect: honey baked and
pineapple smothered.

Ham, glorious ham!
For some sweet salty goodness,
I would sell my soul.

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Marshmallow smothered
yams covered in butter, it's
fatteningly good!

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Friday Fun

I got no featured poet for Friday this week. :(

Here's a picture of my cousin Nick, Bruce, and Nick's daughter Genny. She had received this Barbie toy - a cash register with a microphone. Bruce is doing the classic "you want fries with that?" The look on her face is priceless!

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Toy makers, take note!
Dad thinks it’s fun, child does not -
You made a mistake.


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Dawwwwwwwww!

How can I write angry haiku when I've seen this?

I can't live without my DailyPuppy.com! This little guy is Matthew and he's adoptable! Won't you consider saving a puppy or kitty from an animal shelter? I know, that's a very un-"Provocative Haiku" thing for me to say, but I do have my soft spots. :)

This little black puppy reminds me of Dieter, my Texas puppy that I rescued from a very hot outdoor festival. When I got him home, he fell asleep on my tummy.

He was a little ball of energy for chewing after that. I gave him to a neighbor before I moved to NYC. I wonder what he's up to?

!@#$*&^% Post Office!

I hate post office!
Slow people serving even
slower dumb people

Every time, a line!
Every person takes too long!
Want to slap them all!

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Guess where I was today?

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Dog Apparel on Zazzle!

I'm so excited about dog apparel being the new product available on Zazzle - I had to write a haiku! And now your dog can wear my haiku! Visit my Zazzle store at www.zazzle.com/provocative

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Fresh poop on sidewalk
signals a successful walk:
“I made that today.”

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Destroyed Phone Booth

This is one of my favorite photos! This crime scene occurred right outside my office last year. On the corner, there's usually a bagel cart right in front of this phone booth. Based on the angle of the hit (it's leaning into the street), this smash was not caused by car traffic. I have a feeling that the bagel guy backed into it when he was hitching up his cart to leave, but I could be wrong.

The whole scene made me realize that cell phones have really taken over our lives. I haven't seen anyone use a public phone booth - except for protection from the rain - in over 5 years! Do they serve any public service anymore? Everyone has a souped up cell phone, iPhone, or Blackberry. Most everyone has unlimited minutes on their phone, so if you had a emergency, chances are you could borrow a stranger's cell phone.

I think public phones are still around for making prank calls or anonymous calls. Perhaps that's a subject for a future post?!

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Telephone booth smashed!
Prickly glass bits stick my feet.
My shoes now have holes.

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“Caution” tape at scene -
someone murdered the phone booth!
No cops – just cleanup.

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Who will mourn this heap?
Unused public phone was killed!
No one cries for you.

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Pile of broken glass
does not slow down Crackberry
man who walks and texts.

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Friday Featured Poet: Sheila Hageman

This week's featured poet is my cousin-in-law, Sheila Hageman! She's a "for real and for true" author! And you can read her work on her blog, Stripper Mom, or on her website:
www.StripperMom.blogspot.com
www.SheilaHageman.com

A Provocative Fact: Sheila is a former stripper and has written a memoir about her experience. She currently has an agent and hopes to get a book deal soon. In the meantime, won't you buy your very own "officially licensed" Stripper Mom underwear?


Sheila is so multi-talented! Not only is she a book-lover (as evidenced by the LIBRARY amount of books in her home), but she's a teacher! and a yoga instructor! Sheila teaches creative writing at Hunter College, the school where she graduated as valedictorian with her MFA in Creative Nonfiction. She's also a certified yoga instructor currently holding classes at Fresh Yoga. Sheila makes a mean Mac 'n Cheese, has a fabulous collection of sandals, and is obsessed with coffee.

We're glad she could be here! She wrote these haikus just for Provocative Haiku!

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Greasy barstool air,
customers with beer foamed lips
and me, nude on stage.

They beg, take it off.
I comply, naked I stand—
five ones against thigh.

Eyes level with crotch,
fingers fumble with dollars—
my brain atrophies.

My sixth grade teacher
front row and center, face pale.
Who’s disappointed?

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OH, that last one kills me!!! I had to ask Sheila about that last haiku, and the answer is yes, it actually happened! :) Great stuff as always for our Friday Featured Poets. Join us! Post your comments or email them to me. Enjoy your weekend!

Cheese and Farts

Bruce and I went for dinner in Park Slope a few weekends ago. We just wandered around until we came across this awesome Italian restaurant, Tutta Pasta. And then the weekend after, we went to Aunt Suzie's Restaurant. We highly recommend both places. The food was delicious! Park Slope has a lot of unique cafes and restaurants.

We all know Italian food can sometimes be heavy on the cheese, so of course Bruce was "playing his music" for me. He wrote this haiku just for my blog:

Oh, cheese! It is good.
It goes down the pipes smoothly.
Smelly farts come out.

Actual picture of his dinner from Aunt Suzie's - handmade gnocchi!

Bruce loves cheese - and bacon. If he could eat them all day, every day, that would be his dream. Who doesn't love cheese and bacon?! and the "music" that they produce?! Here's one from my book which I wrote for Bruce:

Flying Boxer Monkeys

With an impish grin,
He says to pull his finger.
But I know that game.

His pants are silent,
Then flying monkeys erupt.
Air moves his boxers.

And you blame it on
snow frogs, barking spiders and
stepping on a duck.

Noise followed by smell.
We both know it was you! Why
can’t you admit it?!

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Gaseous though he may be, Bruce Whou is my fiancee, soulmate, and BFF. He's a musician, an artist, and a sci-fi geek. He's currently writing a science fiction novel "Statement of Trains" and also writing on-the-fly at his blog - very dark stuff at www.brucepsquirrel.blogspot.com - check it out before it disappears, as he's always revamping that site. You can also check out the hilarity we create together at www.brucepsquirrel.com.

Spotlight on Brian

Well, I said I could do a whole book about Brian, the drunken, noisy neighbor who lived upstairs from us. Here's a sample. I wish I could post his picture here, because his face says so much! He's gotta be around 50 years old but looks 70 from so much abuse of his liver. And I'm not calling him a drunken neighbor to sound more colorful - he really is an alcoholic.

Cops have been to our apartment building because of him, although they never came for the 3 calls I made. I think the police have given up on trying to help him. He slapped his own daughter - and how do I know? because I heard his wife yelling at him about it. Oddly enough, the daughter lived in the apartment across the hall from him. We haven't seen her in our building for over a year, so I guess she "escaped." I wish the wife would, too. But the battered woman syndrome is a complicated situation. I don't think Brian has ever hit his wife, but they argue terribly. It's sad, because she could do so much better.

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He has a disease,
drinks too much and beats his wife,
She should leave him now.

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Brian just got home.
I hear the clinking of beer.
Bad rock music starts.

God dammit, Brian!
“Wrestling match” sounds from above.
Why aren’t you tired?!

Brian is hammered,
Speech stammered, he falls again -
A thundering clunk.

Why is it that you
get loud by 4 a.m. and
not pass out sooner?!

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Wish he would move out
but rent stabilization
has Landlord’s hands tied.

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Manhattan parking risks

Bruce and I saw this car near our apartment. I had to get a picture of it! I wish I knew the story behind it - how long has the car been there? Were the wheels worth so much money that someone had to steal them? Just flat tires and the guy is lazy? The mind races thinking about it!

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Gorgeous orange car
I was gone only 12 hours
What happened last night?

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City street parking -
Always a risky surprise.
Don’t be gone too long.

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Pipe Cleaner Bug

arts and crafts are fun
but this didn’t come out well
stupid pipe cleaners

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Friday Featured Poet: Kim Northrop

I can't say enough about Kim Northrop! I think every one of her "Bitter Employee" series is brilliant! They're biting, timely, and I think everyong can relate to them. If you're a fan of Dilbert, you'll love her work! And if you're a fan of poetry in general, she writes very eloquent, non-angry poems, too.

For her bio, Kim writes: "Artist & writer living in Snorasota, Florida. But I have a cool yard, so it all works." Ah, Kim, you're so modest! Check out all her awesome stuff at her blog:
http://alkimy.blogspot.com/

And she also has a Zazzle store:
http://www.zazzle.com/alkimy444

After you read her work, won't you please comment on her blog and tell her which ones you liked? Even better - I will be your friend for life if you pester her for me about putting together a book! Many thanks!

Hey, if you've got some angry haikus, share them with us! If you have at least 3, you can be my next featured poet, so contact me now!