Happy New Year to all my Poet Pirates! Did you make any resolutions? I did, and I'm afraid it's not a nice one. I resolve to be an Angrier Poet! There's so much stupidity in the world, and I really need to get my act together and comment on it more often.
Case in point: the recent blizzard which crippled New York City. Yes, crippled. I am stunned. Most cities on the east coast have excellent snow removal. If you've listened to the news at all this past week, you could hear the whining, griping, and spoiled bellyaching of New Yorkers everywhere blaming the lack of snow removal on Mayor Bloomberg and the Dept. of Sanitation. I can attest that only major streets were cleared while the rest of us had to fend for ourselves in the residential areas. Somebody didn't think this one through because plenty of buses have to travel through semi-residential parts of Brooklyn and Queens. Then there were plenty of doofuses in compact cars and improper tires who thought they could drive through 16-20 inches of snow. The result was abandoned cars blocking secondary streets. Helloooooooo? Now the plow trucks that you desperately want to come can't plow through there.
* Turn in your license! Four cylinder no match for snow, stupid "driver"!
The TV news had a field day, every day, interviewing people about train and subway problems, buried streets, people missing work. And, HORRORS! Having to, gasp, PAY someone to plow their driveway or neighborhood street. What has this world come to when you have to pay someone to plow your street?! I'm from New Jersey where we always had to pay someone to plow our driveway. New Yorkers, you haven't got a clue about how the world works. We saw the same kind of whining when a tornado ripped through Flushing and Brooklyn, leaving trees all over the roads. Everyone complained about the city not doing anything about it. Hey, here's an idea - if a tree falls in YOUR yard, why don't YOU take care of it?
* complain but not act criticize but don't improve problem partly you *
New York, take note: Snow is an act of Nature, not an act of Mayor Bloomberg! Deal with it!
* when in snow, wear boots leave the Jimmy Choo at home get a clue, ladies!
* You want to see a REAL snow problem? Check these out: * man-made snow mountains bury cars and streets. Shovel! you must, for freedom!
The real blizzard problem had to do with the conspiracy of tourism. You see, Mayor Bloomberg knew he had to clean up Times Square in time for New Year's Eve. And so Manhattan streets were plowed and plowed again to make sure everything was tidy for the tourists coming to Manhattan, the light of the world, this is as good as it gets, behold Gotham City's best annual party. A Facebook friend of mine said it best: "Anyone seen New Year's celebrations elsewhere around the world? We got some Micky Mouse bullshit going on in the 'capital of the world.' A giant, lit and mirrored, slow-ass tether ball? For fuck's sake NYC, get your shit together!!!"
* with nowhere to run you celebrate with champagne and adult diapers
Yes, I truly believe that the snow was cleaned up in Manhattan for New Year's Eve. Think about it: every year Times Square is crowded with prison-like security which keeps people from entering or leaving from 3pm until midnight. Think of all the trash (and dare I say, excrement) that is left behind, on top of all the tons of confetti dropped on the people. It takes the Dept. of Sanitation HOURS to clean up this mess and millions of dollars. Taxpayers pay for this. Thanks for shitting and vomiting on me, tourists.
* vomit and trash from tourists who do not live here I pay for clean up
This is a just a taste of what is to come this year. More and more I will take my inspiration from current events and vent on this blog.
Winter thaw, walking to avoid frozen dog poo melting, silent bombs
Hey, you ever wonder where the comments went? Most people put them on my Facebook page. I invite you to join in the fun! Click here and send me a friend request.
During the Christmas shopping season (yes, shopping season, because there no longer exists "fall" or "winter" - there is only shopping), the only thing worse than all of the perfume commercials sponsored by Macy's is the stupid jewelry ads promoted by the "Big 3": Kay Jewelers, Jared, and Zales. Am I the only woman who finds these jewelry commercials insulting?
First we have Jared, "the Galleria of Jewelry" as they call themselves, heavily promoting the latest trend of chocolate diamonds from Le Vian. Is it just me or does it seem weird to say "chocolate" and "diamonds" in the same sentence? A diamond is supposed to be a sparkling, flawless, crystal-clear treasure, and now we equate it to being a dessert - a dark, poop-colored stone that tastes delicious. Is this supposed to make us feel better about the African bloodshed and corruption that forever taints the mighty diamond for today's politically correct and globally aware woman?
Then we have Kay Jewelers and Zales with their outdated, chauvinistic views of men and the dumb broads stupid enough to fall for their silly pick-up lines. Zales has a female ice skater laughing as her man intentionally takes a tumble so that she can catch him, only to have him catch her because the mere sight of a diamond makes her falter (even tough she is clearly the better skater. And don't even get me started on how she looks to be 25 years younger than him.). And Kay Jewelers shows a macho dude comfort his meek lass when a streak of lightning throws her into his arms and he proclaims "I'm right here! and I always will be!"
Whatever happened to the diamond industry's promotion of the Right Hand Ring, the diamond ring that women bought for themselves?
Clearly, the women's movement for equality is wounded and forced backward a step each time these commercials are aired. Apparently, all women care about are big strong pieces of man-flesh who can buy expensive gems. With the divorce rate so high, a piece of jewelry does not equate to fidelity, and yet ad people everywhere wants us to believe that jewelry equals love. Hey guys, how about you take your money and spend it on more dinner dates and time spent developing lasting intimacy with your woman?
Vapid jewel ads - your diamonds do not equal everlasting joy!
Blood covered stone is born of violence, but peddled to show love.
Jewelry ads sell lame reasons, phony need for holiday excess.
I have the dubious honor of being a "Haiku Master," according to Jennifer Hughes with Masters Degree Online. She writes:
"We've scoured the web looking for amazing blogs that not only are great in content, but informative and helpful when needed. And we've determined your blog to be such! We like to call it a Master of its category!"
Unfortunately, none of the links are working - you have to copy and paste. But some of these poets are good, despite being far, far less angry than yours truly! I liked ProperJoe's and Paiku the best, and not because they're the first 2 on the list. I skipped all over and had high hopes for Haiku Bandit Society (not nearly as interesting as their blog title, but good poetry).
We have a very special guest poet today: Brigitte Coovert! I found her on Etsy - I somehow came across her Squirrel Haiku zine and she's allowed me to share a few poems with you. Brigitte is very creative and best known for her Zombuki dolls: zombie and Kabuki hybrids! What better way to celebrate Halloween than checking out her zombuki dolls and evil eye jewelry!
About Brigitte: Brigitte Coovert is a 29 year old human female residing in Florida. Her first altered doll creations, circa 1996, were less than delicate, though they did introduce Brigitte to what would become her primary focus. After a haitus, Brigitte returned to the toy medium for a few years, but came back to dolls when she discovered Pullips in 2005. The first Zombuki Pullip was created in August of 2006 and was well received, much to Brigitte’s total amazement. In the time since, over 30 of the little monsters have been created in the Pullip, Dal, Blythe, Byul, Taeyang Hujoo, and kokeshi mediums, and have found homes across the globe. Zombukis have been featured in multiple publications, including Dolls Magazine, Giga Hobby, and Haute Doll Magazine. The Zombuki had their first solo show at The Valley of the Dolls in Los Angeles, CA in October 2008.
One of her Etsy shops sells this tiny little zine with squirrel haiku that she wrote and vintage woodcut prints. (Of course, I had to buy it!) Here's a sampling of her haiku written from the point of view of a squirrel: Misguided acorn, Could have sworn I left you there; Earthen Tupperware.
In the storage shed - I nested there one Fall day, In your Christmas tree.
Poets, you have less than 30 days to enter this international contest. I have submitted my entries, which I will have to share after the contest because the judge, Alan Summers, monitors my blog, and I want him to be surprised!
Details are here and the deadline is Sunday, November 21st. There is an entry fee but the money goes towards the prize and literary charities.
Of course Halloween is this pirate's favorite holiday of the year! The candy corn! The dog costumes! The drunken mayhem in Manhattan! The tarts strutting in lingerie at the Village parade! The sidewalk vomit! Does it get any better? This year I hope to find out when I explore Dorney Park After Dark in New Jersey next weekend.
This weekend it was already crazy in stores selling Halloween costumes. Sigh, it's really disappointing to see so many uninspired people looking through the Leg Avenue "costumes" instead of coming up with something clever. There's sure to be many Lady Gaga wannabes running around which could be interesting.
I feel sorry for kids today. Choices for kid costumes seem to be trademarked superheros for boys, and some trashy witch/vampire outfits for girls (training them to be little tarts for the Village parade). A friend of mine says she won't go to Halloween costume contests anymore because the winner is always some girl with the least amount of clothing, that the prize never goes to anything original. Indeed, when I was thumbing through the latest issue of the Village Voice, I saw one contest offering $2,500 for the sexiest girl. Firstly, how is that fair to the guys? And secondly, how is that even remotely in the Halloween spirit?
I think a costume contest should be for something very scary, gory, clever, or timely. This year, I might just parade around in my best job hunting suit and briefcase with a sign that says "will work for food." THAT is a timely costume! One of the best costumes I saw at a Village parade was a man in a bloody Hawaiian shirt covered with a net and syringes - timely because hospital waste was washing up on the seashore that year. And last Halloween, I saw a lot of folks in homemade "Where The Wild Things Are" monster outfits because the costume industry just didn't predict that need. This year's costume need is apparently Jersey Shore characters.
I like and appreciate people with homemade costumes. My hubby is feverishly working on the most amazing steampunk outfit that far surpasses the the costume kits you can get for steampunk. Besides, the whole idea of steampunk is to make weird gadgets yourself. Some of the best costumes are showcased every year on www.HomeStarRunner.com which features fans dressed at their favorite characters in costumes they had to make because they aren't sold anywhere.
One of my favorite costumes is one my brother made. We went to a costume party dressed as Terrance and Philip from South Park. It was so easy for him to make and he executed it brilliantly:
Post a haiku about what you like or dislike about Halloween. Oooh, even better - tell us a favorite mischief night prank you pulled! My Dad has a ton of them:
Happy trick or treat! "How about a trick?" Dad says. Water splashes down.
Toilet papered tress are so last year. Let's block off the street, pole to pole.
Flaming bag of poo stomped on by unsuspecting. It NEVER gets old!
All of these haiku are based on pranks my Dad did as a kid. He and his brother answered the door one year. One of them would be on the top floor with a bucket of water to dump on the front porch. They also used to wind toilet paper across a street from one telephone pole to another, making a wall. Many cars would turn around until someone got brave enough to drive through it. And an oldie but a goodie is to collect dog poo in a paper bag, set it on fire on someone's porch, ring the doorbell and run away. Kids, don't tell your folks you heard these from me! I hope you have a cavity-inducing loot-filled Halloween!